“You are more valuable than both heaven and earth. What else can I say? You don’t know your own worth. Do not sell yourself at a ridiculous price…” Rumi
So you bought into the culture’s RACKET!
You’ve been programmed to see yourself as less than and unworthy. You think of yourself as not enough.
In her powerful book A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson reminds us.
“In our natural state, we are glorious beings.
In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisoned, slaves…
Our jailer is a three-headed monster; one head our past, one our insecurity, and one our popular culture.”
You’ve been brainwashed!
You’ve gone from powerful to powerless!
You’re feeling full of shame. Somehow you’re inadequate or bad.
You’re full of fear!
You keep looking to others to tell you who to be and what to do.
You compromise yourself and and your needs.
You over accommodate everyone!
You’re a people pleaser!
You’re wasting your life trying to prove you’re worthy!
You know what Marianne describes is true for you!
we collectively spend millions of dollars supporting each year. It does not support us in return.
Most movies do not love us, most advertising does not love us, most of the fashion industry does not love us, and most rock and roll does not love us…
Like many battered wives, we look endlessly for love in places that have no capacity to love us back.”
You’ve been hypnotized by our culture and in your relationships to believe you’re not enough.
You’ve bought into believing that YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH.
Stop letting yourself be emotionally and psychologically oppressed!
Stop the insanity!
It’s time for a paradigm shift!
It’s time to peel away the layers of your False Self!
It’s time to Discover your True Self!
When you don’t feel good about yourself, you feel that you are being watched and judged, and you increase your sense of not feeling good about who you are. It becomes a vicious cycle.
You feel ashamed because shame happens instinctively after you feel like you’re not enough in a situation.
Shame is the feeling that reflects you are worthless, damaged and no good. When we feel shame we begin to behave the way others expect us to.
Connect: Don’t Compare
Comparing yourself to others….whether it’s a top model or your co-worker is a dead end. When you compare yourself, don’t you feel undervalued and less than?
It’s imperative to Know what your strengths and good qualities are.
Take some time to take a good look at your characteristics and accomplishments.
Make a list to fully embrace all that you are.
Connect with Yourself and Others
Connection with others can come about from something as simple as a smile.
Be kind without being submissive.
Conversation is the touchstone of connection. You can actually get to know more about yourself through talking openly with others.
The experience of intimacy comes about from conversations.
The word intimacy comes from the work “intimus”, which means innermost.
In order for a relationship to be intimate, there needs to be a sharing and disclosing of your innermost thoughts and feelings.
Don’t agree just so that you can avoid conflict and be accepted in the relationship.
You can agree to disagree. Everyone has a right to their own perspective and opinion.
Don’t fall into the self-fulfilling prophecy trap.
There’s new research that shows that your personality is shaped by your behavior.
Act yourself into a new way of being.
Identify Your Inner Critic’s Voice
Your inner critic is made up of the negative self talk that you actually heard from childhood and have internalized.
Some common inner critic judgements might be:
“Don’t do that, or people won’t like you and will be upset with you.”
“You need to work harder.”
“You’re not smart enough.”
“You’re not loveable.”
What does your critic say?
Time to have a dialogue with your inner critic.
No power struggling necessary.
Remember your inner critic thinks it’s protecting you or helping you so that you can stay safe and not get into trouble.
The inner critic has good intentions gone awry.
Retrain your inner critic so that it shifts into a coach who can challenge you without putting you down.
Remember that if you don’t think you’re enough, you will deprive yourself of opportunities because you don’t think you’re worthy. So everyone else gets their way and you get nothing.
Positive Self Talk
Catch yourself, when your self awareness hears your self-judgements.
Change it up.
Consider a way to supportively change the way you’re talking to yourself.
Choose Self Empowering Language
When you tell yourself that you “should”, you “ought to” , you “have to”, you are oppressing yourself to make yourself do something.
Instead make a choice to do what you want to do. It’s much more empowering. You’re feel the freedom that choice gives you.
Stop Idealizing Your Relationship
If things are going wrong and you feel like a failure, try shifting your perspective to see the whole picture. Get a reality check about what each of your responsibilities is.
Consider how you may have to rewrite the rules so that you can stand up for yourself in your relationship.
Don’t let yourself be held back in a relationship which invalidates who you are!
Don’t let yourself be held back in a relationship that minimizes what you’re capable of!
Find the community that will support who you are!
Stop Overidentifying With The Circumstance
You are more than your mistakes, your income and your body type.
For example, if you failed a test, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
If you’re having a hard time finding a job, that doesn’t mean you’re a loser.
In his book How To Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden tells us,
“The lies most devastating to our self-esteem are not so much the lies we tell as the lies we live.
We live a lie when we misrepresent the reality of our experience or the truth of our being.”
Branden confronts us saying, if you choose to be someone you’re not, you do it because you think you’re unacceptable.
Branden offers some questions to help you explore the challenges of being authentic; of realizing we’re enough.
In one exercise, he recommends you write 6 to 10 endings for each of several statements regarding being open and honest.
Here’s a few of them.
Take out some paper and write your 6 to 10 endings to the following statements:
“The hard thing about being honest with myself about what I’m feeling is-
The hard thing about being honest with others about my feelings is-
If I strived to be true and accurate in my communications-”
You know that you want an intimate connection with someone. So being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings is necessary.
Being yourself allows the other person to know who you truly are and appreciate you.
If you withhold your feelings, your relationship can not be close. Your hesitation at opening up creates a wall between you.
Challenge yourself to say “I really need to talk about something.”
Remember who you are and express it in the world!
Being in the present and giving your full attention to yourself and the other creates an optimum environment for your relationship to deepen.
Be responsive, not reactive.
Allow yourself to receive.
Since you have realized you don’t need to have a relationship be all about the other person and getting their approval.
Let it be about you, too.
A close relationship with someone who truly cares about you actually strengthens your healthy sense of self and self value.
Identify Your Wants and Needs
Needs are usually something that is important to us.
Wants are preferences and will not be as important as needs.
Do you know what your wants and needs are?
Conflict arises when two people want different things.
If you don’t feel good enough, you may not value yourself enough to see your wants as important.
You may be confused and think that one of your needs is just an unimportant want. Then you may dismiss your need as not important enough. So you won’t ask for what you need.
You may feel threatened to speak up for yourself because you fear the other will leave you.
Love and Accept Yourself
Unconditional love means you love yourself no matter what. It means you have unconditional worth.
You love yourself without judgement.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!
You don’t have to be Super Woman and have to prove yourself and earn love from yourself or anyone else.
You’re not loved for what you do.
You’re loved for who you are.
Have good personal boundaries as a way of loving and taking care of yourself.
Stop seeking validation and approval from others.
Self Worth is an inside job.
Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.
Life isn’t easy. Give yourself some support.
Can you imagine how good it feels to love yourself unconditionally?
When you feel good about who you are and you feel worthy, you will naturally take great care of yourself.
Look at how you’re living:
Self nurturing is the biggest part of self care.
Are you taking time for the things that bring you joy?
Are you eating and moving and feeling healthy and energetic?
Are you sleeping enough?
Repeat the following out loud!
I AM ENOUGH!
I HAVE ENOUGH!
I AM WORTHY!
Honor yourself and own your power!
Mary Guay is a Certified Professional Coach and a Certified Story Coach
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