So you finally got your head clear.
You’ve finally admitted to yourself that you’ve been in a toxic relationship. As much as it hurts, you know it’s time for you to leave.
You woke up to find that you’ve been defining yourself according to the relationship. You discovered you’re not your own person. You were shocked when you realized that you were caught up in taking on someone else’s values. You got tired of trying to meet his expectations while ignoring who you are. You got tired of making excuses for his bad behavior.
You’ve considered all of the times your friends have told you that they think you’ve lost yourself in your relationship. At first, you didn’t believe them. You thought you were just trying to be a “better” person. There was nothing “better” about it. You realized that you had been over accommodating your partner and becoming what he wanted you to be instead of who you are.
You were thinking that somehow the problems in the relationship were all your fault and “if only” you’d change, it would be okay.
The manipulation and guilt trips were exhausting. You were dumped on and drained. You felt shamed and blamed.
You thought it was all you.
You cared more about what he thought of you than what you knew about you. You betrayed yourself by not tuning in to your own self knowledge. You were brainwashed to believe that your perceptions were wrong.
You didn’t feel like you were good enough and nothing you did was good enough. You were never enough.
Wow! Give yourself some acknowledgement! You had the courage to look at reality and tell the truth about what kind of a life you’ve been living.
You’re still a little shaky and your heart is broken. How could a relationship that seemed so wonderful at first end up being so unhealthy and harmful?
You stayed stuck because you were afraid to move forward. Moving on felt uncertain and considering change made you feel insecure.
You’ve been clinging to the dysfunctional relationship because it’s familiar and you can’t face that it’s over. You’d made everyone matter more than you. Now it’s your turn.
Now is the time to leave your toxic relationship!
And, leave it for good!
Go forward and never look back!
You’re ready to get healthy!
You’re ready for something Better!
You’ve made a decision and now it’s time to create a strategy.
Make a Plan
Making a plan will help you feel more confident about making the changes you need to make. It will give you a map to guide you in the new territory. It will support you in letting go and moving on.
You may have mixed emotions at first. It’s natural to grieve the loss of a relationship…even a toxic one. It’s natural to be excited about the freedom you now have
Remember that you haven’t been in a healthy relationship and so the optimum way to leave may not be an option for you. Obviously, this is true if you were in a physically abusive relationship. It may be harder to see if there was emotional and mental abuse.
A toxic relationship is so unhealthy, you may not have the luxury of a conversation and saying goodbye. Components of a toxic relationship include lots of arguing, over explaining and invalidation. “Communication” is how you got brainwashed to think you’re not good enough and it’s all your fault. When you want to end the relationship, your partner may tend to be desperate when he finds out you want to leave. He may increase his efforts to persuade you to stay or to persist in wearing you down. He may intensify his efforts to make you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing.
Tell your friends and family the truth about what’s been going on and what your plan is. You’ll need some allies to lean on. You’ll need pep talks and encouragement. Be wise about who you choose for your community of support. Make sure they are trustworthy.
You may consider getting support from a therapist, coach or mentor.
Learn from the Past
You want to feel empowered, not powerless.
It’s easy to blame and get stuck in being a victim. But, you want more than that. It’s good to look back on the dynamics of the relationship to see who you were being and how you allowed yourself to stay in the toxic relationship.
You can learn a lot about yourself and relationships. You’ll be using your new insights for making choices that will create the blueprint for your new life. You’ll be understanding and learning more about what a healthy relationship is.
Making decisions and being intentional will set you free. You will be functioning from a clear heart and a clear mind.
Ambivalence keeps us stuck with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake going nowhere.
Be willing to step out of your comfort zone and know that it will be uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is not an indication that you’re on the wrong track. You will feel more comfortable being yourself and following your inner guidance.
You no longer need approval from someone who didn’t love and support you for who you are.
You don’t need to change who you are.
Be kind to yourself. You just got out of a relationship where you were criticized and judged. Stop the self criticism and be more compassionate. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Give yourself compassion
Use affirmations to own the qualities and characteristics you possess and choose the ones you’d like.
Let go of shame and blame.
Believe in yourself and trust yourself.
Take care of yourself. You are a unique and amazing person.
Find your voice and speak your truth. Identify and own your feelings. Express yourself. Be honest.
Your true nature is joy. Do what brings joy and meaning to your life.
Your adventure of self-discovery is beginning.
Be proud of yourself and the person you’re becoming. The authentic you!
Embrace the journey you’ve chosen.
Reach out now!
Mary Guay is a Certified Professional Coach and Certified Story Coach.
Email me! firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule a free consultation